diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
index 03d1edc..d8baf53 100644
--- a/README.md
+++ b/README.md
@@ -1,18 +1,8 @@
-# JOL
+# Jessica OnLine 3.0
 
-To start your Phoenix server:
+This free ~~disc~~ repository entitles you to 10 **FREE** hours of Jessica OnLine!
 
-  * Run `mix setup` to install and setup dependencies
-  * Start Phoenix endpoint with `mix phx.server` or inside IEx with `iex -S mix phx.server`
+This is where I write about me. Writing software, playing games, cooking food, being a parent and a partner, and being a giant trans lesbian.
 
-Now you can visit [`localhost:4000`](http://localhost:4000) from your browser.
-
-Ready to run in production? Please [check our deployment guides](https://hexdocs.pm/phoenix/deployment.html).
-
-## Learn more
-
-  * Official website: https://www.phoenixframework.org/
-  * Guides: https://hexdocs.pm/phoenix/overview.html
-  * Docs: https://hexdocs.pm/phoenix
-  * Forum: https://elixirforum.com/c/phoenix-forum
-  * Source: https://github.com/phoenixframework/phoenix
+> Meet my one-eyed lesbian dad!
+> --Alex, my eldest son and fiercest champio